11 Inevitable First Person Updates of Game Classics

I really thought I was on the ball with this one. Here I was, all ready to post what I thought would have been a witty little satire of how every retro franchise under the sun is being “reimagined” (a word that should set alarm bells ringing in the first place) as a first person shooter. But then, life threw an absurdist curveball into my metaphysical cojones and one of the games from my list – The Secret of Monkey Island – actually appeared as a first person shooter in real life. Life imitates parody. I feel like Jonathan Pryce in Brazil. I would say that some of my FPS reboots below are too absurd to ever be made, but the way recent events are going, half of the things on this list will have a Q3 2012 release date by the time you read this. Without further ado…

1) Sim City

You play as Abs McGunsson, part of an elite military unit called in to defend the urban metropolis Sim City from an alien invasion.  The aliens use advanced technology that allows them to harvest the power of tornados, congested traffic and taxes to lay waste to Sim City, but through the bravery and comradeship of you and your squadmates, you’re about to bring the fight to the aliens!

2) Pac Man

Set in a dystopian future where corporations and their private armies have replaced nations, you play Chuck McGruffson, member of an elite black ops unit sent into The Maze, a top secret research facility to investigate paranormal goings-on. Using an experimental new serum called C.H.E.R.R.Y., you gain time-mainpulation powers that allow you to hunt the supernatural apparitions that stalk the complex before they escape and terrorise the world!

3) Guitar Hero

Updates the now-deceased rhythm game the only way the games industry knows how – with zombies. Playing as one of the four members of the band Rock Gimp, you have to battle your way through hordes of the undead as a zombie outbreak hits during the middle of your arena show. With a selection of melee weapons including guitars, drumsticks, pedal-boards and symbals, you and up to three friends must team up to batter zombies and make it out alive! Health packs come in the form of grams of cocaine left lying around the venue by the band’s tour manager. Features Horde mode, where you can battle waves of decayed groupies.

4) Sam and Max

You play as either Sam or Max (codenamed “Dog” and “Rabbit”), wisecracking members of an elite black ops unit tasked with bringing to the notorious terrorist Bigfoot to justice. Your search for the elusive Bigfoot will take you from the streets of Afghanistan to the Siberian mountains to the urban sprawl of Hong Kong. Take part in frantic squad-based combat as you and a friend  battle to stop the terrorists before they launch a nuclear missile and start World War 3!

5) Pikmin

You play grizzled space marine Lance McChinson, sole survivor of his unit when their transport ship crash lands on an unknown planet. Hunted by a monstrous alien race of  predators through a variety of exotic locations, only by helping the peaceful indigenous population will you be able to get off the planet alive!

6) Parappa the Rapper

You play as wafer-thin millionaire rap sensation Parappa on the final show of his Middle-Eastern tour. An unscrupulous promoter offers a crystal skull in lieu of payment for the gig, but when it’s stolen by a gang of terrorists, you have to do what any rapper worth his weight in tacky gold medallions would – a whole lot of murder.

7) Pokemon

You play Ash McKetchum, a disgraced ex-cop with a dark past who now makes his living as a monster hunter. So when armies of monstrous beasties – known only as Pokemon – start terrorising cities across the world, you have to dust off your shotgun and bring the fight to an army of Charizards, Pickachus, and Squirtles. But when Ash discovers that they creatures are evolving, he has to embark on an epic journey to warn civilization before it’s too late!

8) Minesweeper

You play Junk McBeefson, member of an elite black-ops unit called in to bring a murderous terrorist to justice. Your journey to find him will take you from one end of a massive field to the other end of a massive field. The only thing standing in between you and your objective: mines!


Updates the perennially popular football franchise the only way the games industry knows how – with zombies. Playing as one of the eleven members of Chelsea, you have to battle your way through hordes of undead football supporters when a zombie outbreak hits during a home game at Stamford Bridge. With a selection of melee weapons, including football boots, empty Carling cans, and half-finished pies, you an up to ten friends must team up to batter both home and away fans to make it out alive! Health packs come in the form of Coca Cola cans left lying around by a garishly obvious sponsorship deal. Features Horde mode, where you can battle waves of decayed supporters of an opposing team of your choice.

10) Jumpman

You play as Jay McManus, part of an elite black-ops unit called in to defeat a sinister terrorist known only as Kong, who has taken the president hostage in a sprawling skyscraper. Your battle against Bigfoot with take you from the first floor of the tower, to the one-hundredth floor of the tower, as you fight Kong’s barrel-throwing henchman in a series of near-identical corridors. The squad’s mission to stop Kong before he launches a nuclear attack, but for McManus, this is personal – they’ve got his wife!

11) Chess

Set in a a dystopian future where the sinister corporations WhiteCorp and BlackCorp have divided the world into a series of controlled sectors or “squares,” you play Justin Knight, a disgraced ex-cop with a dark past living in the BlackCorp controlled B2 sector. When your wife is killed by a group of WhiteCorp P.A.W.N. mercenaries, you have to team up with the shady leader of BlackCorp, Richard King, to uncover a centuries-old conspiracy that could shake the foundations of the world!

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